Love, Longing and what comes next?
Its an ambitious title isn’t it, how can a 18 year old hope to tackle it? And will I be mentioning my ex? I don’t think now in my attempt to tackle it will I really scratch more then the surface, but I have this desire, this need, to understand love and all its problems. I especially would would hope that by outlining my struggles and my thoughts on it all that maybe someday what I write could be of use to some other eijit like me who might turn to the internet for help. Who knows tho, maybe I will get it completely right in this post. Also no this post wont mention my ex at all besides referring to her in abstract. This is for the emotions and general feelings around me now and love, not about any specific events, so if you are a close friend of mine, don’t worry, you won’t learn anything about the relationship, in case that was turning you off reading my excellent posts.
Anyway background: very recently I broke up with my gf of one and a bit years. Very sad I know. But now I have been enlightened to a whole host of feelings. And i have been having to talk to myself about them because its a strange realisation you come to. Something was off for about 2 weeks before i clicked what the biggest feeling was. When you are in that relationship, no matter how happy or unhappy it makes you there is this sense of reliability and security. That always there is that one person you can look to and turn too ya know? No matter what happens, they are there. And to me that is definitely something that drives people back into their old relationships immediately after leaving. It’s something that, especially if its your first time, can make you feel so uncomfortable just being around ya know. Though if all that makes you date someone is security that's probably not the best idea.
The next thing I had to analyse was this want to return. And at first I thought maybe this was a mistake but then I looked at it closer. I think often we think this means we miss the person or maybe still love the feeling but i do not think the case. I think we do not miss the lover but instead the love. Or at least I do. This sort of links back in with the security feeling but its different. There is no greater feeling to love someone or to feel that love back. Or to even feel like you are loved. You miss that warmth. You miss the long kisses, the hand holding, the hugs, you miss the constant “I love you” messages you got. You miss feeling like someone cared about you enough to read every message you sent and reply to them enthusiastically. You miss the love, but when you think about the lover or about the relationship as a whole you can often think, it was right. But missing the love drives you crazy enough to run right back into their arms. This is why I promised that I wouldn’t do that to some friends. I know they are watching and waiting. Otherwise, I won’t lie, I could have been grovelling and begging her to take me back, saying I am a fool etc. Even lie if i had to. That is the craziness love will and can drive you to.
And the weirdness that last for a long while is this limbo. It’s like you have to wait for it to settle in. That for a while you feel like a lack of anything because, this person was once such a large part of your life and now its gone. In a less extreme way it reminds me of the death of a friend. For a long while when my friend died, and hell still now, It didn’t set in. you think “oh he’ll walk through the door” because its mental that he’s gone. And so you wait and you wait and you wait and he doesn’t come back. That waiting is exactly like a relationship. You can’t imagine it ending, even if you ended it, so you almost feel empty, expecting to get that late night text goodnight or a good morning text or even a text where they rant about their problems and you tell them how you are going to make it all better and that it will be fine etc etc. But that moment never comes. Maybe one day it will come again. maybe you will reunite with this person and this will be a funny story to tell your grandkids. But in that moment, its gone. and so like a man who momentarily is left weightless due to a sudden drop, you feel nothing at all.
The final feeling i will wrap this up on is the sadness. because dear reader I would love to tell you that when you break up with someone that you walk out of there with a big smiling head on you and you don't feel a care in the world because obviously you chose to broke up with this person but I’m sure by now you can tell that its never that simple just by reading this article. I won’t lie dear reader, despite the stuff i mentioned in previous articles, I still love her. And that’s the problem. I love her so much I was willing to ignore any issues I had. The only problem with that approach is once those problems get brought up, you can never put them away. The cat is out of the bag, the toothpaste does not go back in the tube. Am I happier that Its over? according to others i seem happier. Do i love her? yes. Do I miss her? yes.
And thats the problem with love. Its messy and wild. Like a bomb thats gone off, i’m left with the shrapnel sticking out of me. Embedded deep in my heart. In the future hopefully those of us who are filled with shrapnel can find people to help us heal the wounds and maybe even remove the shrapnel. I really love bomb metaphors don’t I? haha, maybe I should marry them. This is just the beginning of my journey of love. In months time I’m sure I will have isolated new emotions and then I will write a sequel to this. My final advice for those that need it is simple. Don’t fret if you feel the same as me. I have two things for you to remember about love, and life. If you are ment to be together you will end up together some way, and if you are wondering if you made the right choice, the grass is always greener on the other side, its always easy to forget what made you leave. Love is terribly complicated, and you wouldn’t want to change it for the world. Even when it’s over, it haunts you.
And reader, I’m sure you are wondering something after reading all that.
You might say, that I love her, and I miss her, and that yes maybe I won’t go crawling back to her because I don’t want to disappoint my friends.
You might be asking now,
Would you start dating her again if she asked? ……. A question for another day I think.
signing off, It’s Shergar.T.Horse, a loverboy and a loser.
