Rotten
Another same old same old update. Its about to hit 1 am as I write this, and my mind is empty. You might ask how a mind can be empty but after a certain number of time with the same thoughts in your head it all sort of blends into the background, you don’t hear it anymore.
Its empty. its nice. Its nice that i’ve heard the same stuff about how useless I am and how much i’ve wasted my life disappear into the background. I still hear it occasionally of course. Instead i am drawn to an unspeakable anger at a youtube comment section. Not because its particularly offensive or anything. its just cringe, hopeful shite. https://youtu.be/rptLcA0E4ps the comments of this song, i like the song and the animation is quite good in terms of what it means to portray. People in teh comments talk about their sadness at losing something they never had.
They never had it, they have no right to feel that way. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM MAKING UP A SCENARIO THAT MAKES ME SAD. It infuriates me, and really it shouldn’t, maybe I have chosen to be angry all the time and to be a dickhead. But something about it really annoys me. I thought it at first is that i’,m so sick of “hope” that thats what drove my rage. But as i look at it again i think otherwise. I think its not deep at all. and that makes more sense. nothing deep, just thinking its cringy shite.
Though it could also be more my anger at seeing other people hopeful, as i find it very hard to be hopeful. Well not hard, just i know better. Every time hope comes to me I kick it away, i know better at this point. Because hope just leads to greater disappointment and resentment. You can’t hope for anything, just take everything with the same blank apathy or else you just hurt yourself. People don’t condone self harm but they condone hoping against hope. I’ll tell you this my supposed “self harm” (None physical, just apparently behaviours i have are my form of self harm, yeah bullshit) never hurt me as much as those people who convinced me into being a hopeful fool. If my ideations get me locked up then maybe those people should be thrown in jail.
Is this the end of me? of course not, I’ll get back up as always and continue on my march. BUt i’m tired of getting fucked. I’ve finally deleted all my dating apps you know? Fuck that shit. I have however discovered something amazing. Going out drinking … by myself. I used to drink at home but my family gave out too much. Drink 3 cans at home? having too much but if i come home after 6 cans? Sure that mans just a party animal let him have his fun. So I think im going to do that every once in a while, just go out and drink at a pub by myself. Its a nice way to drown my sorrows. Obviously can’t use my local but i have a spot picked out without a familiar face. You do get the odd pub chat with people which is all i need.
Its the perfect rouse really. I drink by myself but as long as i say i went out, nobody suspects a thing. People call this alcoholism but i think those people don;t understand me or addiction etc. I drink because its the only thing im any good at. People like the drunkard. I don’t hear no stories about sober me, not unless i injure myself or i play my part the fool. but drunk me? sure they’re the talk of the fucking town, they have reems of great stories etc. Finally i am something. No longer a nobody.
Cheers! Here’s to many many years of removing my memory of everyone person i’ve ever had the slightest hint of attraction to by drinking the brain cells away!
Shergar.T.Horse, Love a good pint
